


Where Feelings Lie

by Carol157



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28842774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carol157/pseuds/Carol157
Summary: Written after every episode before the hiatus starting with 4x16, I have painstakingly tried to think how Harvey and Donna thought of their relationship. Progressing through the years up until 9x10, I have placed them in the scenarios where they discuss or talk but show what might be going on inside with regard to their feelings for one another.
Relationships: Harvey Specter/Donna Paulsen
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

What Harvey Felt as Donna Walked Away

“Donna, please...”   
“I love you Harvey.”   
Why don't I go after her? How can she do this to us? Huh. There's never really been an us. Why couldn’t I really tell her how I love her? Is it because I know that “it” would immediately change things? Why could I not touch her? I thought she knew I love her. Why did I even say it? Because I was too damn close to losing her if I tell her how I love her.  
She can't mean this. Maybe if I act like nothing has changed, it won't. Louis, seriously? How will I ever face Louis or have to confer with Louis knowing that she’ll be there working for him instead of working for me. Louis will be smug and pretentious thinking she'll stay with him forever. I know that won't happen. She has to come back to me. Really....  
Harvey turns away from watching Donna’s retreating figure. Instead of his feet going forward to grab her and allow her to know that he wants her THAT way, but it's complicated, he retreats and walks back to his desk. He impatiently swipes at his eyes as a tear falls on his hand. He realizes his whole world is falling apart.   
Some hours before, Harvey had allowed moments to pass despite hearing Louis at Norma’s memorial service. As he had heard Louis' words of "don't let the moment pass" his eyes were drawn to Donna just standing on the other side of Mike and Rachel. He swiftly walked away after the service as he was afraid she would see him and question him again about 48 hours previous when he thought twice about her invitation and seeing the question in her face coercing him to explain why he said what he said.  
As he stands seeing his reflection, his stomach gnaws at the question, how can I work without her? He is not sure. He knows that it will not be like when she had been fired. Then, she was not in the office. She was home and ignored his phone calls. He had to finally show up on her street before she would even speak with him and that briefly.  
Now she will be down the hall to that smug and obsequious other lawyer, Louis Litt. Harvey does not like losing especially to Louis. Harvey always had fun infuriating Louis by always being better or thinking he was better than him. What was it that Mike had said to him that time they caught Louis' Dictaphone in his office? Oh, I remember now.. Mike said, "It sad because all the man wants is to be you." Well, just because you now have her, doesn't mean you won anything, asshole. We'll see how long Donna puts up with your pettiness, insecurities, and underhandedness. She'll see through all your worshipping appreciation of her."  
Harvey impatiently wipes another illicit tear away from his cheek, sniffs, and stands up straight. He wears his poker face and will let no one understand that his world just walked out the door of his office unknowingly taking his broken heart with her.  
After a silent ride back to his condo, Harvey opens the door to his home, takes a breath, and looks around. He shuts the door behind him and a sudden, unusual feeling of loneliness settles on him. He shakes it off thinking how silly he is. She didn't mean it. It will be different in the morning.  
Donna....how can you do this? You normally know me so well. Better than I know myself. Why don't you understand that I really think you are the most amazing woman in the world. I couldn't allow us to sleep together again because I am not ready to lose you. It seems, though, I lost you anyway.  
Harvey lays his coat over a chair, pours himself a scotch and with a pounding headache accompanying him, proceeds to the shower. He undresses while he gulps the dregs of his scotch. All he desires tonight is to rid himself of the events of the day, drown himself in a couple more glasses of scotch and pass out to a dreamless sleep.   
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
How Donna Felt Walking Away from Harvey  
"I love you, Harvey"  
It had intended to be an arrogant, nasty, "shoe- on- the- other- foot" kind of remark. Instead, Donna's soft words come out like an endearment. She needs him to understand why she is leaving him, and it is because she loves him. She is tired of being taken for granted and loving him unrequited especially now that he returned the sentiment. But...how? This is for her own salvation. Once the dust settles and he needs her, she will only be down the hall. However, she is determined that he will never take her for granted again!   
I am leaving you because I love you. Not to punish you but to let you know that you have to decide what you meant when you had let that little bomb drop and walked out of my apartment and then had avoided me for 10 hours. For many, many years I had buried my feelings for you. I watched you blow through women and messing up any chance of happiness with the last two women being Zoe and Scottie.   
I really liked Zoe and felt she really cared for you. Scottie with whom I had hoped you would find personal happiness, causes more problems than she solves. When you ask me if I had wanted you and Scottie's relationship to succeed, I had truthfully answered telling you I just want you to be happy. I do just want you to be happy. There's more to life than the walls of your office and the next case on the docket. We could be happy together, but you won't cross those lines now. I was willing but now I am sure not what to believe since you're too afraid to take the next step. You told me you loved me to make me feel better after running from my invitation to stay the night? You will not pity me.   
Again it would have been nice to be told that you loves me, and I am relatively certain that you can look at me THAT way and not just professionally. Well, Harvey, darling, I am done fighting your battles for you. It is finally up to you to decide what and who will make you happy. In the meantime, I have to think of myself now. Not just for my career but for my life since there has been way too much dedicated to you.  
Once again Donna fully anticipates Harvey's walls being erected after she told him she is working for Louis. She knows instinctively that this time his walls will not include her. She can see she had shocked and hurt him. That was the last thing she wants to do, but how many times has he done that to her? Rachel had said that in the office she was his everything; and when his everything was threatened by the chance of her going away from him, Donna was the first to know by his behavior toward her the lengths he was willing to go to protect her. However, maybe it was just the professional everything Donna realizes and nothing personal. Selfish, yes, but Harvey carries a reputation of being selfish. Donna thought she knew different. Now she is not so sure.  
Long ago when she had been going with Mark a few years after they had left the DA's office and worked for Pearson Hardman, she had been given an ultimatum by Mark and she had chosen Harvey. Mark was a good man and someone for whom Donna had really cared except when it came to a choice between Mark and Harvey. Donna had been coerced into a decision as Mark realized that his girlfriend's feelings were a little more than professional when it came to her boss. Mark did not want to play second fiddle and so coerced her to make a decision: follow Harvey to the ends of the earth or choose him and remain at her present professional position as Harvey seemed ready to jump the Pearson Hardman ship and decided Donna was to go with him without asking her first. The shame of it is, thinks Donna, Mark may have been my husband by now.   
Along the course of their relationship Donna realized a long time ago that Harvey needs protection from not only professional forces who want to hurt him, but those forces from within himself that would cause him to do the wrong thing. Professionally, Donna knows her job is to protect him, but she has also become his friend and guards against the personal outside forces as well. She will never let anyone hurt him.   
______________________________________________________________________  
Six months later...  
Harvey throws back his head as he spots her sitting on his couch in front of his fireplace drinking his Scotch.  
"I see you kept it," Donna says referring to the little cactus she had given to Harvey some months previous to add a little green to his otherwise sterile and lukewarm apartment. Donna sees it now as an inadvertent test to see if he really could care for something other than himself. Donna really does not proof of the cactus life to see how much Harvey cares for people. She has always known it.  
"You'd think I let it die?" Harvey responds.  
"Well, I thought you would at least give it away," Donna says running her finger over the rim of the Scotch tumbler as she looks up at Harvey's handsome face in the firelight. More than just sometimes she wishes she could just touch him. She sometimes wonders, at times like these when someone they both love is in tribulation what it would feel like to be with him. To be his woman. For him to be her man.   
"I'm a little more sentimental than that," Harvey answers Donna as he gazed down at her long, crossed, not quite still legs and her upturned confident posture. With everything that is happening with Mike's arrest and upcoming court date, the last thing he needs is shit from his former secretary. Their friendship is returning but the progression was slow and precarious where and would be different. Each forming new boundaries.  
"What are you doing here?"  
"You need me. Because as good as Gretchen is she can't be a part of this," Donna says gauging Harvey's reaction. To her surprise his expression becomes soft and almost loving.  
"You mean you're coming back to me?" he asks in such a quiet voice. He can barely breathe because he has missed her so much. Not just the care she always gives him professionally but her special touch for him and the special emotion they share. He has missed them so much. He now has high hopes of defending Mike knowing that Donna is returning to him.   
"Yes. I am," Donna says quietly with a hopeful pleading look to see if he is willing to take her back to be by his side and help Mike and him through this ordeal.   
The corners of Harvey's mouth turn up into the slightest smile. His eyes nearly close in relief. I got her back! She's mine again! His heart sings but being the guarded man he is he never shows too much. In this he especially wants her to know how happy he is she's returning to him, but he still does not want her to give her the motivation to ask him again how he loves her. She should just be willing to know that he does.   
"Good," Harvey says smiling a little.  
"Good," Donna responds then hesitantly places her glass on the table. She almost does not want to leave. However, she came her for one purpose and now it has been realized. This was not their time if there ever would be. As she accepts Harvey's smile and smiles in return, she again dampens down the desire to touch him and show him that they could be happy together in THAT way. They both now must think how to save Mike. He was theirs. Donna realizes she loved him as much as Harvey and was a willing accomplice in hiding Mike's fraud.   
"So I'll see you in the office in the morning," Harvey tells her.  
Donna is surprised because Harvey had told her that he had resigned to save Jessica. Donna stops momentarily in rising and looks up saying "How did you swing that?"  
"I have a good luck charm called Mike Ross."  
She looks down and away from Harvey's gaze. She smiles because she has seen this expression before. It was his determined smug look. The look he wore that told the world he feels like a million dollars and no one will dare to take what was his. She is happy Harvey is back in the office where they can work together to save Mike. That will have to be all and maybe, one day, hopefully resolve the love between them.  
Donna walks out of his apartment. Before closing the door behind her, she turns once to look at him. The next time she will see him will be before work starts in the morning. Her heart sings. She knows he loves her and she knows she loves him.   
As she smiles at Harvey who closed the door behind her, she walks to the elevator and reflects on the months working for Louis. She decides that those months were pleasant in some ways but fraught with a dual loyalties which were hard on daily basis. More importantly, did she learn what she wanted to about herself? Did Harvey learn anything from the experience? Now with the fight for Mike and her dating Mitchell, questions are going to be hard to answer. All she knows is Harvey needs her and she needs to be there for him.  
______________________________________________________________________________  
Donna. Donna. What can I say? My heart is leaping because you will be there for me again. I will try not to take you for granted this time. I know what it's like without you and I do not want that again. How can I stop myself from hiding to you how I really feel. Well, we have a fight on our hands and you have a boyfriend. I feel very stupid in sleeping with Esther Litt. Not only did I hurt her and Louis, but again I betrayed my love for you. Because despite what I say and don't say and do and don't do, I do love you Donna. I love you too much to spoil what we have. Besides you deserve to be happy and I am really sure I am not the man to provide that. I can be your friend but whatever else can be between us may not be a good idea.  
I do love you and please don't forget that.


	2. Where Feelings Lie - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing in the same vein as Part I, this explores what Harvey and Donna are feeling but not saying during crucial moments in their lives. Part 2 covers the happenings in episodes 5x15 (Harvey's decision whether to give himself up instead of Mike); 6x10 (Donna comes to Harvey after Jessica tells them she's leaving); and 6x11 (Harvey's dream of Donna)

Harvey's Side as He Looks at Donna  
"It's my goddamn fault!" Harvey exclaimed to the only person who would understand. She knows why I'm here. No need to prevaricate. She knows what I want to do. She thinks I'm worthy of waiting for the jury rather than turn myself in instead of allowing Mike to take the fall. Mike was a kid who needed a break. It was I who dangled the carrot knowing full well that we would be in trouble the minute our ruse was revealed. Mike's predicament is my fault. I am the older one. The one who should have known better. I could have worked something out like Jessica had done with me. Mike could have become the kick ass lawyer he was legally. I know he had financial issues why else would he have been carrying a briefcase full of marijuana when I met him. Now, Mike will be paying for my crime. She says it's not all my fault. She claims we are each equal to the blame. I for giving and he for taking. Whatever. Mike doesn't deserve this. He and Rachel have a future.   
Oh, Donna, how can you think me so worthy? I've treated you worse at times, yet, you always have my back. How I want to hold you and drown myself in you. You know I love you, but if I take advantage of the situation and take you to bed dismissing that stupid rule which I should have done ages ago, will you still love me tomorrow? Tomorrow as I would now have the courage and turn myself in leaving Mike and Rachel to their future. However, I would leave you, too. Could you forgive me?  
Rather than explore his feelings and, perhaps, find that missing piece of himself that he had lost so long ago, he rises and grabs his coat. He leaves Donna's apartment but not without her telling him she doesn't want to lose him. At the door, she tells him to sit with Mike while the jury comes in and have faith that they will be found innocent.   
Harvey stands at the door. He sees Donna's love and faith in him reflected by the unshed tears shining in her eyes. Tears sting his own eyes but do not fall. He hears her, but he is so torn. Mike would never agree to changing places with him.   
She has faith in me. I'm not sure I have the faith or the guts in myself to really turn myself in even if Mike agreed. It's so easy to just stay tonight and let myself drown myself in her. Just to hold her while I work this out. No, I won't do that to you. If I did stay and we made love, I could promise nothing for tomorrow. You don't deserve that.  
Without a word but with a soft loving look and the desire to at least touch her cheek, Harvey leaves holding tight to the emotional thread connecting him to Donna.  
When he arrives back at home, he brings up Donna's picture on his phone. Tenderly, as if Donna was there in front of him he drags his finger over her face. He at first decides to drink himself to oblivion but then hearing Donna's words of his worthiness repeat in his mind and looking her picture on his phone he decides to take a shower and then crawl into bed to pass out from sheer exhaustion.  
Donna, in the meantime, closes the door after silently watching him walk around the bend in the hallway to the elevator. She takes the two glasses that are still filled with whiskey. Neither one drank anything too busy talking soberly to do anything more. She carries the two glasses to her sink and dumps the contents.  
I hope I convinced Harvey not to give himself up, but if he does I will have to forgive him. He would be acting on his conscious and with loyalty. He will do what he needs to do for himself and Mike. That is who he is.  
Donna leaves the glasses in the sink, shuts off the light in the kitchen, and goes to bed praying that Harvey will think differently in the morning.  
_______________________________________________________________________  
One year later....  
I thought I would find him here. I know Jessica's announcement is such a shock to all of us. It's especially a shock to him. He knows that he will be expected to accept the reins. I know he may not feel ready. He is though. He just has to believe in himself.   
"Are you going to be ok?" Donna asks as she quietly enters his office.  
"She was my mentor, but yeah, I'm going to be ok," Harvey states succinctly. Information that Donna knows all too well. Harvey looks out the window and sees Donna's reflection in the glass from the light in the hallway. He spoke the truth just now. Jessica had been his mentor, big sister, and almost mother figure in the absence of the relationship with his own mother.  
"Do you want to be alone?" Donna asks. I am sure he doesn't but I had better ask. He needs me even if he denies it. He should not be alone with Jessica leaving. This will leave a big hole in the firm and Harvey's life.  
Harvey smirks at the question. He admits to Donna and it would only have been to her. Donna is the only one I can trust now. She won't leave me again....I hope.  
"No." Harvey continues looking out the window still really not looking at anything.  
Donna knows Harvey must feel bewildered even lost, perhaps. Feeling that he needs something he can hold onto, she walks slowly to the window and stands looking at nothing right beside him. All I can do is reach out a hand and let him know that I'm still here. I am here for him.  
Quietly Donna reaches immediately next to her into the air between them looking for his hand.   
Without even looking Harvey can feel the air move between them. His heart feels hers reaching to comfort him.   
There it is. Her hand. Harvey feels her fingers first and then clasps her whole hand in his. Her thumb strokes his hand in small movements of additional soft comfort. Harvey has a tight clasp on Donna's hand. He releases a breath as they both continue to look out the window but see nothing.   
Donna's thumb continues to stroke Harvey's hand. Through that tight silent contact, Donna conveys her thoughts: "We're in this together. You are not alone."   
________________________________________________________________________  
The next morning.....  
The next morning Harvey is sitting up in bed.  
"Look if it's going to take this long. I can just pick some up on the way."  
Donna pads silently in bare feet stepping down into the bedroom. She is clad only in Harvey's dress shirt.  
Eyeing him as she enters, she states in no uncertain terms.  
"Hold you horses, Mister. "  
Coming over to the bed, she sits down on Harvey's side and hands him the cup.  
He sips it. His eyes never leave her face.  
"This is the best cup of coffee I ever had."   
He places the coffee on the night table next to him and brushes her fiery red hair away from her face. Feeling the soft solidity of her jaw cupping it with his one hand he gently kisses her lips brushing them several times and softly locking on her lower lip before moving away and opening his eyes.  
"That was nice," Donna says.  
"Yes, it was. And as much as I would love continuing to do it, we have to.."  
"Harvey," Donna says as she lays her hand on his forearm stopping his movement. "I don't think you understand. I told you once this happened again I no longer work for you."  
"You can't leave me, Donna," Harvey protests.  
"I'm not leaving you. I just don't work for you anymore. Jessica left you..."  
Harvey wakes up in a cold sweat. It was a dream. Just a dream. A dream he will tell no one especially the woman whom he kissed. The woman he truly loves.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know how you like these chapters. Also thank you readers for your continued kudos and comments on my work. Stay tuned for the continuing story of The Boxer Guy because a new chapter will be coming up soon. Love - Carol157


End file.
